


The Damn Note That Ruined Everything

by Radenierafire



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-26
Packaged: 2018-04-12 21:52:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4496058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Radenierafire/pseuds/Radenierafire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel’s eyes filled with tears. Looking down at the note. The damn note that ruined everything. How could something so insignificant as a piece of paper with words on it cause so much devastation. He let a few tears fall shamelessly. His heart was breaking and all he had to show for it was a note.<br/>The damn note that ruined everything.</p>
<p>Dean made a mistake, and he's taking matters into his own hands to make up for it. Starting with leaving a note on the table in the kitchen, and then just leaving. If he's not around he can't hurt Castiel, right?</p>
<p>((If you're looking for Benny/Dean this is probably not the story for you, sorry.))</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I am planning to write something short after this, to give it a happy ending. I don't usually write things where Dean is unfaithful, I just needed to get this out of my system. Cas and Dean are two of my favorite characters to write so I hope this isn't too horrible. There will be more interaction in the ending plus, you know, a happy ending.

Castiel’s eyes filled with tears. Looking down at the note. The damn note that ruined everything. How could something so insignificant as a piece of paper with words on it cause so much devastation. He let a few tears fall shamelessly. Everything was failing. His relationship was falling apart. His life was turning for the worst. His heart was breaking and all he had to show for it was a note.

The damn note that ruined everything.

_Dear Cas,_

_I love you. God knows that I love you, and I want you to know it too. I’ve been an idiot lately. Putting you through everything that I did. It wasn’t fair. You deserved more than this. Better than me. I am such an idiot. I failed you. I hurt you. I was an ass, and this is me trying to fix it._

_To start, I gotta explain some things. Such as Benny. Damn it Cas, I didn’t ever think that I would be one of those damn idiots that broke someone’s heart because they couldn’t control themselves. But that’s what I did. I slept with Benny. Yeah, I did and I am so fucking stupid for it. I will never expect you to forgive me for that, I don’t deserve forgiveness. I want to explain myself. I owe that to you. This ain’t me trying to get you back, because like I said, you deserve better than that. I just want you to know some things. Timing. We were fighting, again. Some stupid thing I didn’t wanna talk about. Either way, we fought. I was pissed, had a shitty day, and I did the one thing I know how to do. I went out and drank. I keep thinking about how stupid it was, how I just wanted to get the hell away from myself. So I got really fucking wasted, and went to Benny’s. Which leads to the next thing. Don’t hate him. I know I got no right to ask that of you. But please don’t be mad at Benny. He tried to send me away. So many fucking times, he kept telling me to get out. I wouldn’t listen. Hate me. I deserve it. It was all my fault. I groveled for him, literally begged him to take my mind off of you. Like the pathetic fucking idiot I am, I begged him. We did things. None of /our/ things. I didn’t lift him up to kiss me. There was none of our love, or the damn compassion you show to me. It was rough, it sucked, and we both felt like shit after it. He kicked me out, saying I had to tell you. He told me that I couldn’t keep it from you. That you deserved to know because this was a fuck up I couldn’t hide behind a smile and a joke._

_Next. I don’t know if you even care about this anymore, but what we were fighting about. I came home and was an ass to you. You, being the angel you are, knew there was something wrong with me. You tried to help me, but I fucking shut you out. Why the hell did I do that? Damn it, I don’t even know. I owe you an explanation, and all I can say is it was work. Not that it's work’s fault, shit no, I meant- I messed up at work. This woman, she brought in her car. I diagnosed it wrong and fixed the wrong thing. I gave her back a broken car and she thought it was fine. It wasn’t. It broke down. While she was driving. And she crashed. Oh god she crashed and it was entirely my fault. Her baby was in the back. He’s in the hospital now. I don’t know how he’s doing because I’m not allowed in. What if I killed her baby boy? I couldn’t think. You wanted to talk, and I should have talked to you. I’ve kept it bottled inside. I’m freaking out. Damn it. Sorry, getting side tracked. That was what was wrong with me. Bobby came and told me, then he sent me home. Where I yelled at you. Like a fucking idiot._

_That’s all I have as an explanation. It’s shitty, and not an excuse. It’s just an explanation that I thought you should know. I need you to know how sorry I am. Every second since that day has haunted me. You deserve so much more than an apology, but it’s all I have left. I am so sorry. You shouldn’t have to see me, so my bags are packed. I hurt you. You told me I broke your heart and that’s why I’m going. You shouldn’t have ever given me your heart. I made promises that I shouldn’t have made, because I am not strong enough for you. I am so fucking sorry. Damn it, I can’t ever say it enough. I’m gonna get out of your life. I quit at Singer’s, and I told Sammy I was going away for a while. I told them that if you tell them to stay away, they’ve got to understand and leave you alone. I told them, that I was an idiot and that I hurt you, but that you didn’t kick me out. You wouldn’t do that. You know I ain’t got a lot of other places to go. You’re kind hearted like that. You’d house the devil if he needed help. God, I love that about you. Sammy, and Bobby have been told to do as you wish. Neither of them know where I’m going. Hell I’m not sure that I know where I’m going, but I know it’s far away enough that I can’t hurt you anymore. I’m gonna head south I think. I’ll have my phone, but I don’t plan on answering it for anyone, except you probably. If you want to yell at me, I deserve it. I don’t expect you to call me, or anything else. Just, take care of yourself. Please. I love you. That’s never gonna change. I will always love you. Always. So, yeah . . . I guess this is a goodbye._

_With all my heart,_

_-Dean_

Castiel dropped the note, sinking to his knees. Tears falling without fail, and shaking slightly. He knew that Dean had slept with Benny. He also knew that Dean felt bad about it. That didn't mean it was okay. Castiel had been struggling to find it in himself to forgive him, but he did not want to lose Dean over this mistake. It was difficult, yes, but they were supposed to move past this. They were supposed to move on eventually. Regardless, he couldn't believe that this was all he got. After everything, Dean thought that this was an okay goodbye? That was unacceptable. Of course Castiel was pissed off at him. Of course he needed space, but leaving? Castiel let out a sad sound, something between a sob and a whimper. He dragged himself up, leaving the note on the floor. His gaze on the paper, but his mind racing a thousand miles an hour. He couldn't lose Dean. He couldn't lose his love.

Standing up completely and walking over to the table, Castiel picked up the phone. Punching in the numbers that used to be a friendly kind of familiar. His thumb hovered over the call button. Finally he pressed it, breath hitching at the ring. He paused. Should he be calling? Would it be better for them both in the long run if he just hung up? Perhaps this was a bad idea. Maybe Castiel should let Dean leave. That is what would be best for him. Right? To be rid of the man willing to jeopardize their relationship. To move on from the boyfriend that hurt him. To get away from the person he fought with so much. Would it be better to get away from all of that? Would it be safer to just let Dean leave? No. It couldn't be. Castiel refused to believe that it was best to lose him when it hurt this much. 

"Hello?"

His heart stopped.  _Dean._

"Come home."

The words came out softly in volume, but were commanding. Castiel realized that this wasn't an option. Dean had to come home.

"Cas, I can't. I can't hurt you again."

Dean sounded almost as broken as Castiel felt.

"Come. Home."

And he hung up. Crumbling next to the note again.

_Dean, come home. Please._


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope this wasn't too crappy? Either way, I felt like wrapping up some, I think . . . That didn't make any sense. Anyway, let me know if there should be another fluffier and/or smuttier conclusion chapter. I can write one if it's wanted but I don't want to throw my crappy writing on people.

It had been five hours and forty seven minutes since he called Dean. Castiel sat on the couch. He spent every second sitting on the couch waiting. He wasn’t sure what he was waiting for. He didn’t even know if Dean was going to come home. He’d hung up the phone to quickly and now he was regretting it. Why hadn’t he waited for a response? Why hadn’t he given a time frame, or asked how far away Dean was? Yes, he felt relatively idiotic, but he was waiting anyway. Possibly for a phone call. Possibly for a knock on the door. He didn’t know, and he didn’t care. He couldn’t move anyway. So he was just waiting.

Five hours and forty eight minutes. The note was sitting on the coffee table in front of him. The damn note that ruined everything was right there, and Castiel couldn’t decide what he wanted to do to it. He wanted to tear it up. Rip it, crumble it, and throw it away. To take out his rage on that piece of paper. However what good would that do? What if he needed to look at it again? He wanted to fold it up carefully and put it somewhere safe. Keep it for himself to know that Dean felt sorry. Keep it against Dean, so that his anger could be visibly justified. He wanted to read it again. He wanted it to explain everything more clearly. He felt just as confused about everything as he had when he first had feelings for Dean. Castiel just wanted the note to explain how he was feeling. What he was supposed to do. How all of this was supposed to work out. How he wanted to work it out.

Five hours and forty nine minutes. How did he want this to work out? What did Castiel want to happen? Did he want Dean to come home? If he did, what would Castiel do? Images ran through his head. Dean walking into their home, and the two loves running into each others arms. The scene that appeared in so many movies. Dean knocking, and Castiel locking him out. Or opening the door, and showing all of his anger and his hurt. Hitting Dean, yelling at him, etc. What if Dean didn’t show up? What if he never came home? What if Castiel hung up and Dean decided that it wasn’t a good idea? What if Castiel has actually lost Dean? Forever.

Five hours and fifty minutes . There is a knock on the door. The world stops. Castiel looks up at the door. Wondering if it was his imagination. He stays still.

Five hours and fifty one minutes. There is another soft knock on the door. Castiel gets up, walking over to the door numbly.

Five hours and fifty two minutes. He opens the door. Confusion completely clouds him. “Sam? Bobby?”

Sam looked up sheepishly from behind Bobby who looked uncharacteristically uncomfortable. Castiel looked around them. Hadn’t Dean’s note said that they were supposed to back off? What was going on? Suddenly every worst case scenario that could cause them to come here was crashing through his head. He stepped forward, unable to hide the urgency in his voice “Oh no, Dean. What’s wrong? What happened is he okay?”

Sam stepped around Bobby, holding onto Castiel’s shoulders. “He’s okay. But he’s in the hospital.”

Castiel’s heart dropped. Voice breaking as he questioned “Why?”

Sam looked back at Bobby, who looked at Castiel. “He was speeding boy. In this direction. He got himself in a bit of a fender bender. We were wonderin if you knew if he was coming back here?”

Castiel nodded.

Bobby spoke up again “Listen, we know bout you and Dean, and we know were supposed to stay away from you. I just think that this is a bit bigger than all of that. I ain’t saying you need to forgive him, he was an idjit. I’m just saying he needs someone right about now, and I know it’d mean the world to him if that person was you.”

Both Sam and Bobby prepared themselves to persuade Cas. Sam ready to explain what was wrong with Dean medically and Bobby coming up with a speech about how even if Dean fucked up they were still family and Castiel needed to be there for his family. They knew that it was probably not the best idea to drag Castiel back into everything, but Dean needed closure and someone to be there for him. Castiel needed something else entirely but none of them were quite sure how to put it into words. As Sam opened his mouth to start talking, he was interrupted by Castiel’s rushed question “What hospital?”

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

He took a deep breath and knocked on the door. Entirely unprepared for the broken, raspy response “I’m not hungry Sammy. Just leave me alone” and the small “Please” that followed it. With his heart caught in he throat and hammering away, Castiel opened the door a bit more. He cautiously took a few steps in, gazing over the bruised body on the bed and the cast on Dean’s leg. His injuries did not look terribly horrible until Castiel’s gaze fell on Dean’s face. His eyes were closed, but his face was contorted in a cold unwelcoming manner that contrasted the warm smiles and fond looks Castiel was more used to getting from him. Even when they were fighting Dean hid is pain well. Keeping a straight face. Holding back any agony. It was the pained look that caused Castiel’s joke to come out broken and sad. He finally got out “Well that is reassuring. I did not happen to bring any food.”

Dean’s eyes shot open, face smoothing into a more neutral appearance, and he tried to sit up some. Castiel was briefly saddened by the realization that Dean was willing to let Sam see his pain, but he felt the need to hide it from Castiel. He walked into the room a bit more, glancing around at the pristine white walls. His gaze falling back to Dean’s face. Dean bit back a grimace and straightened himself a bit more.

“Cas, I uh- I didn’t know you were gonna come here.”

Castiel sighed, of course Dean would chose to act casual. Suddenly all of the anger clouded back into his mind. The pain from the fights. The rage at the impromptu abandonment. As well as the fear from hearing that Dean was hurt. What kind of greeting was that? “If you would rather I could leave” Castiel responded curtly.

Dean’s brows furrowed, he spoke quietly “No. Please don’t.”

Taken aback at the soft plea, Castiel breathed deeply. He walked over and sat in the seat next to the hospital bed. Looking intently at his hands, he looked up at the sound of Dean’s still quiet question. “Did you read it?” he near whispered.

Castiel nodded.

Dean exhaled slowly. “Okay.”

With so many questions running through his head, Castiel’s mind ultimately felt completely empty. All he could get out was a broken “What the hell, Dean?”

All he got was a broken “I’m sorry.”

Castiel’s mind continued to run in a million directions, and lead him nowhere. He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream, he wanted to kiss him, he wanted to leave, most of all he just wanted to know what he wanted. He whispered “I can’t forgive you Dean. I can’t let this go. And that note? Leaving? You ass, what was this going to solve? You- Damn it Dean.” Dean remained quiet. He sat listening. “I am so pissed off at you for betraying me in that way. I am so angry that you would forsake our relationship like that. I wish you would have just talked to me. I wish I hadn’t pushed you like that. You were going to leave me? Just pack up, write a letter, and drive away? Oh, and speeding? I told you to come home. Not race back here and get yourself in a car crash. You could’ve died. Then I would have lost you for forever. I can’t loose you. Especially not if it was my fault.” Castiel’s rant rambled off as he stared Dean’s face. Eyes meeting, blue and green, both shining with unshed tears.

Dean finally spoke softly, trying to form the right statements. “Cas, I- Look man, I want you to get past this. To uh- Live your life, and be happy and all that shit. I will always be in love with you, but I’m not good for you. So I left . . . Yeah.”

That’s when it hit. Over everything else. Against every other instinct. Castiel wanted Dean.

Castiel wanted _Dean_.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, um. Please don't hate me. Oh my goodness I felt like crying when I realized how long it's been since I've updated this. It's just that I got back to my dad's and he cut our WiFi, but I told a bunch of people that I'd write a happy ending and so I did but I couldn't post it. I'm so sorry. Also apparently I completely suck at fluff. I really tried but I kinda feel like it lacks in the aspect. However I tried to make it a bit less cliffhanger/sad . . . Uh anyway. I was blown away at the number of people who have read this as quickly as they have. So thanks so much for everything guys. Hope I didn't disappoint too much.

Dean sat in the bed helplessly. His instincts were telling him to get the hell out of dodge, because Cas hadn’t responded to him yet. He knew he wasn’t that great with words, but he tried to explain what he could. He’d written that note very slowly. His bags had been packed since Cas left for work, but he’d taken hours to write it up. The one that apparently Cas hated. Dean thought that he’d just written it wrong, but his attempt to rephrase what he had been trying to say in writing failed. His words came out jumbled and he called Cas “man”. The hell was that? He was talking to his Cas not Sammy, or Bobby. Then he ended it like a highschooler giving a presentation. “Yeah.” He wanted to smack himself, and Cas didn’t even respond. He looked Dean over with a strange look, but he didn’t say anything.  
Even through out, Dean couldn’t help the small twinge of hope that sprung when Cas stated that he “can’t loose him”. Can’t. Present tense. He was trying not to think about that hope, or let the cringe worthy feelings in him show. Holding up a facade so that Cas was unbiased. Dean didn’t want to be taken back because Cas could see how much this moment could make or break him. He knew Cas could be a total bad ass, but he also knew that Cas had a soft spot for him. The only thing he didn’t know was why. Why Cas would stay with him after all the hurt, when surely if anyone else dropped the bombs he would leave. Why Cas wasn’t responding to the broken, failed explanation. His thoughts were completely taking over his mind, until a small whisper came from in front of the chair.  
“Scoot over.”  
Dean hadn’t noticed Cas standing, but there he was. Standing over him, next to the bed. His gaze softer than when he first entered the room, as well as his tone. So he painfully moved himself over, biting back a grimace. Cas slid carefully onto the side of the bed. He looked over Dean’s face carefully. His voice came out a bit louder, but still softly. “Why are you hiding from me?”  
“What?”  
Cas sighed, laying on his side and looking at Dean carefully. “Why are you doing that thing you do? Where you hide how you are really feeling and how hurt, sad, broken, or whatever you are.”  
Dean hesitated, his brain trying to put into words the thoughts he was having. “It’s just- I mean-“ He huffed, staring at the ceiling. “I want you to make your own decisions. I uh- I really want you to stay. Like a lot. It’s just- I’m not, like I said, I ain’t good for you.”  
“Stop.”  
Brow furrowed, Dean tilted his head to look at Cas. “No, I don’t mean it like that- I mean, I’m not- It’s not me trying to be self pitying or any of that. I just- Well I-“  
Cas softly reached up and tilted Dean’s head a bit more, eyes roaming over the familiar face. “You aren’t good for you, but you are perfect for me. So what if we fight? Lot’s of people do. However, you sound like you’re thinking about what you are trying to say too much. You are hiding from me. Putting up that face. I will work on getting past Benny, but you can’t hide from me. Not any more.”  
Dean bit his bottom lip, slowly letting his face slip into the expression of hurt, stress, and worry that he was feeling. It felt unnatural to him. The open, more expressive look, but he was trying. He refused to let himself cry, but if a few tears were shed neither he nor Cas would speak of it past that day. His walls were breaking down, slowly but surely. He was uncomfortable at first, but Cas slowly reached up, thumb grazing over Dean’s cheek. Cas also seemed to move a bit closer to Dean. It was not the usual seamless fit they’d had before, but he was closer. Dean slowly let himself fall apart some. Cas whispered quietly “There you are.”  
“I’m sorry. Cas- You’re- I’m such an idiot.” Dean struggled not to reconstruct the walls. He felt desperately like he should put up a smile and make a snarky comment. Instead he slowly, awkwardly, and painfully turned onto his side to face Cas a bit more. Only this time he tried not to hide the physical pain. He was, admittedly, a bit shocked when Cas let out a tired, huff-like laugh, and agreed.  
“Yes you are. However I knew that at the start of this. I always knew that we’d both mistakes. We’re both imperfect. What matters is that we love each others imperfections. Do you love me in spite of the things I do wrong?”  
“Yes. Yes of course I do.” Dean rushed. “You don’t have many imperfections anyway, but I-”  
Cas held his hand up, quieting Dean. “I do not love the fact that you cheated on me. But I love you anyway. I will be angry. I will be suspicious. Some of our trust has been lost, and that is going to be hard. However, I love you. I want you.”  
Dean opened his mouth to speak again, only this time Cas quieted him with a kiss. It was slow and guarded at first, but then instinct took over and Dean habitually lowered his hand and wrapped his arm around the small of Cas’ back. Even though they were laying down, Cas was positioned further down on the bed. Dean pulled him up, raising him against his chest. It seemed like a perfect kiss. Maybe it was a bit less intense in passion as they’d had previously, but it was full of other emotions. Dean trying to show his need. Trying to show every ounce of himself in this kiss that he hadn’t been able to show Cas earlier. Cas showing his love. Through the hurt, the pain, and everything that had happened lately, he showed that he still cared for Dean. Cas’ free hand reached up and rested behind Dean’s neck. The other, which he was laying on, reached just enough to rest against Dean’s chest.  
It seemed as though they never would stop, until Dean shifted and winced in pain. He glanced down. “Sorry.”  
Cas smiled ever so slightly, his tone nearly warm “It’s okay.”  
They both caught the deeper undertone. Dean swallowed thickly, still unable to drag his eyes up. “I love you Cas. I really fucking love you.”  
Cas’ smile grew just barely. “I know.”  
Dean couldn’t help but look at Cas carefully, but then Cas continued with a soft “I bet you always thought you were the Hans Solo in our relationship”, and he smiled. A small but warm smile. It made Dean’s heart melt.  
“Never, you’re always saving my ass.”  
Cas laughed quietly. He looked at Dean. Seeming to really stare over him, his thumb slowly massaging the back of Dean’s neck. There was a large knot of tension there, and Dean’s eyes fluttered closed. Cas breathed deeply, he still felt hurt, but after everything he felt so much better laying in Dean’s arms. Especially now that he could tell how much Dean wanted to fix everything. Not with leaving. Cas was pissed about that, because that was Dean running away again. No, he could tell by the way Dean was letting his guard down. He knew that it was a stretch to ask him, but he needed to see Dean. Not the act he could put up, but actually Dean. That is precisely what Dean was trying to do. Cas could see Dean struggling, and he felt a bit bad about it. However this was what Cas needed, and if he was going to learn to trust Dean again, he needed to know that nothing was going to be kept from him.  
Dean’s eyes opened, his brow furrowed a bit. “I can hear you thinking.”  
“Dean, that is physically impossible.” Cas paused “Oh. I’m just contemplating my decisions.”  
Dean’s eyes widened slightly, fighting the urge to hide his face. “I see.”  
“No. Don’t think like that, I don’t mean that. I am not regretting the decision to stay with you. I will stay with you no matter what. It’s not a decision that needs to be made. Relax.”  
Dean bit his bottom lip. “Okay . . . “  
Cas continued “I just have to decide how we’re going about this.”  
“Oh?”  
“Yes. I need you to let me- I have to make decisions. I do not mean as though I am going to control you. I simply meant that I need to take this at my pace. As in-”  
Dean cut him off “I understand. I get that. Completely. I can follow your lead. You deserve that.”  
Cas nodded “Thank you.”  
“Just tell me what you’re comfortable with okay? And uh- I’ll back off with what you’re not comfortable. I’ll do whatever you-“  
Cas was the one to interrupt this time “I am not going to control you. Or change you. I fell in love with you. I want to be in love with you. However thank you, I will let you know when I need space, or am uncomfortable. For now-” he paused, hesitating a bit. “I want you to hold me.”  
Dean nodded slowly, pulling Cas close again. Lifting his slightly to slide his bottom arm under Cas’ side. Ignoring the pain, he wrapped his other around his shoulders, and pulled Cas close to him. Resting his chin against Cas’ forehead, and pressing a brief kiss to it. Cas sighed, and mumbled “I missed this. I missed us.”  
Dean held him close, glancing at the clock. “The uh- The machine is going to push more shit into my system in like a minute . . . Morphine and stuff.”  
Cas let out a small chuckle, nodding against Dean’s chest. Hearing a small buzz as an electrical sound came from across the room. “Can we sleep together? Just sleep, I don’t want- I mean- I am not currently looking to-“  
“Yes Cas. Let’s sleep.”  
Cas smiled, curling up against Dean, and let his eyes close slowly. Both of them fell asleep quickly and slept better than they had in a while. Peacefully, and in each others arms.


End file.
